panthophobia, or why I'm currently terrified to be around people...

So I don't think it's too much of an exaggeration to say that THE ENTIRE WORLD HAS THE PLAGUE. My prof who has NEVER before canceled class actually gave in today and admitted she is human; she canceled class, confessing that she has a cold. Another professor of mine insisted yesterday on lecturing from the corner of our tiny classroom, trying her best not to give us whatever she's managed to contract. I couldn't sleep last night...I laid in bed for hours, imagining what would happen if I got sick RIGHT before finals. Can I just implore the entire human race here: PLEASE do NOT go to class if you are currently harboring any viruses, or even just think you may be about to. Save the rest of us from immeasurable stress and misery!!


On a cheerier note: since my afternoon class was canceled today, I got to go walking in the middle of the day today instead of after dinner like usual. It was rather lovely, I must say...there was even a couple brief moments where the sun managed to peek out from behind some rather menacing clouds that hovered over campus all day. After my walk I drove out to fill up my car and on the way back, stopped and bought an umbrella. Optimism aside, I like to be prepared.

So I got my in-class essay back that I took Monday...and now I feel really guilty. Kody must've studied twice as long as I did, AND he read the novels TWICE through, and I still managed to get a better grade. He was very good-natured about it (which he really should've been, since he read my grade over my shoulder) but I really am forced to agree w/ him that it wasn't fair. Sometimes my own ability to fake this stuff makes me cringe. Though as I explained to Kody, since I am a creative writing major, bluffing my way through literature essay exams really should be my milieu. As merely a psych major and future professor, I believe that mollified him somewhat. :) Oh, and while I'm on the subject of Kody...I think perhaps we shouldn't sit together, or at least together directly in line of sight to Prof. Bruss. Twice this morning he caught our eyes when we were in the middle of a silent giggle fest. The second time he sort of just sent us this wordless look of censure, but I'm thinking we're about to get lectured if we don't tone it down a bit. This is what happens though, when you discover friends who share your own retarded sense of humor.

:D

writing blitzes: awesome. running on no sleep for extended period of time: not so much.

So I attempted to have a coherent conversation with a friend this afternoon. After taking an in-class essay exam, on about four hours of sleep. I hope this friend eventually forgives me for my unbelievable arrogance in thinking I could pull this off w/out saying something really stupid. Telling someone their hat reminds you of your kind of dorky aunt isn't a friendship-ending remark, is it?? ::sheepish grin:: Thank God for friends who dispense grace...well, gracefully. It also probably helps that I give her class notes when she misses, which is kind of a lot... ;)

So I am seriously freaking...was just notified that since I'm in the honors college, early registration for fall 09 starts THIS WEDNESDAY. !!!!!! I've spent the last hour organizing my class schedule for my last semester here, and it's been one of the most surreal moments of my life. They suggest I start filling out the paperwork for graduation like, yesterday, so I can make sure all my info is processed for the deadline in the fall. Life after graduation has always seemed like such an abstract thing...now that it's rather suddenly becoming an unavoidable reality, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. The idea that there's some random cut-off point where I'm suddenly supposed to know everything I need to for my career - one I'll probably spend at least most of the rest of my life doing - seems almost ridiculous. So here I am, sitting on my bed, staring at the class schedule of my last semester before graduation...and I can't tell whether I want it to be over yesterday, or last forever...

Got into the weirdest conversation w/ an old acquaintance last night...this individual kind of opened up to me unexpectedly. I tend to ask pretty "real" questions when I talk to people, but I'm pretty used to getting pat, prepared, or just superficial answers. People don't usually want to brave truly personal territory...it's too risky. But this guy was actually pretty honest with me...it kind of inspired me. While talking to him, I realized that while I am usually pretty quick to ask the questions, I'm not usually one to offer back personal stuff myself. I think it's because I usually assume people aren't interested in me the way I'm interested in them...so why offer up yourself to people who don't care? But talking w/ him made me realize that that's kind of why I feel like I'm here - it's even a big part of my passion for writing. I believe that God's given me something to offer - something special, that no one else has, or can give, in quite the same way. So anyway, yeah...I've decided that this is one of my goals for the summer - work on giving of myself more unreservedly, without preconceived notions of what people are interested in.

Heehee...compared to how my posts mostly reflect the way I generally look at the world (from a place of dry, often astonished humor), such serious posts like this truly crack me up. But as Tim said the other day, "Sometimes, Lindsay, there's no choice. Sometimes you just gotta bring out the serious."

:D

sleeping in, clean socks, apples, and other completely lovely things...

So I did a thorough clean of my room last night before I went to bed...I can't believe how much better I feel, being in my room. It's such a psychological thing, but it really does make a difference in how well I sleep, get up in the morning, even how well I study. Kind of crazy, really. It kind of upsets me how much my mind decides on without my permission. But I suppose it's often a good thing that we're subconscious creatures...

So only four days til the weekend! Four long days, actually. I have an in-class essay exam first thing tomorrow morning, then two days of classes of no importance, then thurs evening I workshop my first fiction short story in my night class. I'm thinking it's a good thing I'll be headed straight home afterward...whether I get positive or negative feedback, I think the experience of having to read my writing out loud, then having to spend a half-hour listening to my classmates deconstruct it will be challenging. But this is why I'm here, especially since my prof is a published author, whose feedback will probably make this entire semester worth the money I'm spending. (Or the debt I'm accruing, whichever way you wanna look at it...) ::sigh. Life is so complicated...how come the stuff that's hard is usually the stuff that's most important? Reminds me of one of Eleanor Roosevelt's philosophies of a fulfilling life: "Do one thing every day that scares you."


So during lunch today I found myself throwing out an uneaten bag of chips, wishing it was a fresh, juicy apple. This is a very good indication that I've been here on campus too long. Hehe. Seriously though, the extent to which I am getting sick of the food here is almost irrational. Basically, though, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!

:D

how to live inside a completely terrific day...

I think today and yesterday are going to be my absolutely favorite days of this semester. These two days are going to be the only thing about this school term I'll remember. In ten years when people ask me about this year at college, these two days are going to be what I'll talk about. It's almost hilarious - nothing hugely life-altering happened, but the culmination of several really important things suddenly came together, and I'm right now totally and completely excited about life. I love that feeling. Almost as much as I love writing. I don't think I realized until last week, thursday night, how much I've been doubting lately my academic path. Having actually written only one thing I'm really proud of in the past year has been really hard. It's made me question whether what I've always thought was inside me is really there. But writing this latest short story for my fiction class has uncorked an incredible flow of words and excitement that I haven't felt in a really long time. Suddenly I'm remembering just how much I want to say, and how much I haven't said yet. Sometimes I feel trapped, because even when I have nothing inside me, I still feel this compulsion to write. But bottom line: it's not about whether I can write or can't write. It's about the fact that I have to write, even if I'm the only one who is ever changed by it.


Wow. I cannot believe how melodramatic the above is. :D ANYWAY, only one more week until The Lion King, and oddly enough, I think I'm just as psyched about hanging out with Heather and the fam as I am about that. I was talking to Heather the other day about my friends here, and how I really do love them...but sometimes I miss not having to try so hard. It's like even simple conversation is so much more complicated when you're talking to someone who's only known you for a year. Especially compared to talking to people who've known you your whole life. With them, you have your own language, one that often doesn't even require words. That might be what I miss about home most of all. (Besides real food, that is...)

So my friend in my fiction class walked out with me last thursday night to ask me if I like Patrick. ????? He is a friend of mine in the class that I know from last semester, that sits by me. He and I are mutually aware of our incompatibility, something that's allowed us to hang out without any awkwardness (something that's suddenly gotten much harder for me in general than in high school, go figure). But apparently our "mixed signals" are confusing our other friends in the class. I've decided that there's been relatively little drama in the class so far, and people are getting bored and desperate. I also think that perhaps Stephanie likes Patrick. But this is all conjecture...unfortunately I am rarely wrong about this stuff. Why can't we all just be grown-ups and leave high school where it belongs - in high school?! ::sigh. I think I'm getting too old for this. :)

bad breath, boring socks and misplaced flip flops...

So I am dangerously close to getting used to this good weather...I even decided to pull out my flip flops this morning. Right up until I couldn't find them. You'd think my dorm room was too small to really lose anything...but apparently my ingenuity knows no bounds.

:D

Actually shared something in my Avant Garde class today...and annoyed everyone. To be honest, it was kind of fun...I am so fed up with the arrogance that I'm ready to start handing out cards for a "Superiority Complexes Anonymous" group. Hehe. Seriously though...I tend to be academically minded myself, and probably occasionally stray into murky waters where alienating people in conversations is concerned...but if I ever get so self-important in my own knowledge that I am completely insufferable to be around, I hope someone will shoot me. I don't think knowledge is something you wave around, just to impress or make yourself feel better...I believe it's supposed to serve a purpose. Sometimes I feel like (especially in some of my higher level classes) classmates aren't here to learn as much as they're here to show off what they already know. It makes me wanna tattoo my forehead: "Sit down, shut up, and LISTEN!" :)

Anyway...enough ranting. So I realized yesterday that somehow in the midst of all my anxiety about being sick of school...I found my momentum again. I'm about caught up in all my classes, and starting to plan for my end-of-semester projects and papers. Not sure when this occurred, but I feel like I finally have enough academic drive to push myself through these last five weeks of school...but I guess we'll just have to see what happens...

"the perfect day...

...would definitely begin with a sunrise."

:)

Heard someone say this today. I love the idea that we can choose to acknowledge a sunrise or sunset; that just because it may be there every day doesn't mean that it's a reality for us. I have truly experienced only a handful of sunrises and sunsets...when I think about it, it's amazing how many I've missed. I've decided I'm going to pay attention to a sunrise (yikes!!) and a sunset at least once a week from now on.

Totally random - watched a random dude get cuffed and taken into custody by the library this afternoon...I couldn't stop imagining the story behind it. He was well-dressed and incredibly polite to the cop, which totally cracked me up...I overheard him asking about the cop's day; if he'd been able to enjoy the weather at all. ????? I think I've seen too many movies...I expect every scene like this to turn into something out of Antoine Fuqua's "Training Day"...


So I love how everyone is Irish today. Despite knowing less than nothing about the culture or the history behind the holiday, and despite the fact that they're less than 1/16th Irish. People are so hilarious. I almost wore orange today just to be obstinate and secure in my lack of Irish heritage, but decided I didn't want to get yelled at on such a beautiful day...

sleepless night: check. Seven-page paper: check. One really REALLY long day ahead: double check.

Already can't wait for today to be over. I've decided (in the past five minutes) that if Kody isn't at my post-modern lit class, I am just walking away. (Not really cause I'm totally anal about missing class, but it feels good to emptily threaten...) ;)

Listening to sarah bareilles' "City Lights." Makes me want to get into my car and head for the first "real" big city I can find. At precisely this moment, I want nothing more than to get lost in a really, really big crowd. There's something so comforting, so freeing about that moment when you become indistinguishable from the masses. And now I'm rambling...

Off to a day filled with classes, curses (prof. bruss ;)) and tutoring...

exhaustion on a Sunday night = impending disaster...

So I had SO much FUN this weekend! To celebrate Shelby's birthday, they all came down to visit me...we did shopping, lunch (where we embarrassed Shelby to death by having the Applebee's employees sing to her) and then a concert to finish the night. It was such a blast...and now I'm completely exhausted going into a semi-crazy week. :S It was however, definitely worth it.

In the midst of writing a paper about Orlando...writing a paper on the book is proving much MUCH easier than prepping/giving a group presentation on the book. Must be because papers are strictly a one-man (or one-woman) op, whereas with presentations you have to factor in other group members plus an entire class worth of people who can potentially make the project a horror show. ::sigh:: Whoever submitted the idea to colleges that group projects were a great way to prepare students for the realities of the real world/workplace should be SHOT. (For some reason I don't think I'm quite over the trauma of last week...;D )


Went for a walk tonight as the weather was so beautiful. I intended to be out for only a half hour, but by the time I actually zoned back into the world, it'd been an hour-and-a-half and I'd walked around the entire main campus twice. I think I've missed walking...

What? FREEDOM?! What is this, what does it do, and what does it mean?!?!

So my school week is FINALLY over. Three presentations later and my brain is fried, I am running alarmingly low on sleep, a surprising amount of people are sick of hearing me talk, but most importantly: NO MORE PRESENTATIONS ALL SEMESTER!!!! Technically this isn't true, as my sound poetry class requires me to perform a piece in class by the end of the semester, but that to me is an entirely different thing.

Ran into Jas today...it was very much the happy accident. I really miss her...she is a kindred spirit in that she and I have an alarmingly similar sense of humor. Which means basically that we crack each other, and ourselves, up constantly when we're together. It's great fun. I miss her for other reasons though...who else braves haunted houses with me, constantly needles me about getting a tattoo, and steals my day planner to doodle and write little notes like: "brush hair. take deep breath. scream. run from campus security. remember that life as we know it will not collapse if you forget an assignment, show up late, or let someone down." Wow, does she know me well...

So I went to the student bookstore this afternoon to kill some time, (I'd intended to go for a walk, but got about fifty feet and decided it was WAAAY too stinking cold) and one of the employees, a guy, comes up to me and starts chatting me up. He asks, "What can I do for you? Looking for anything? Want a tour? I actually give PRIVATE tours free of charge..." I actually laughed, I'm ashamed to say, despite the awfulness of the line. We chat for a little bit, and I finally come out and ask him, "Are you really bored?" The "Mr. Charming" front suddenly slips off like a skin, and he starts describing the rather impressive extent of his boredom. Apparently they had practically no traffic in there today, a combination of the weather, the day of the week and the point of the semester. So I let him give me a mini tour of the bookstore that I've spent so much time in over the past year, I know probably as well as him. :D The things people will do on a boring Thursday afternoon...


So tomorrow is clean-my-room, do-my-laundry and run-errands day since I'm gonna be busy all day Saturday, which is the day I usually accomplish all of the above. Strangely enough, the boring, mundane nature of the tasks I'm going to be doing tomorrow has me oddly excited. I think that's a reflection on just how insanely busy I've been...when laundry day gets me all giddy, you know I'm in serious trouble...

What up w/ the strange, the alien throbbing in my head? Oh, wait, that's my brain...

So I've decided I deserve some MAJOR kudos for not having run away yet. It is seriously taking every bit of my self-control just to wake up every morning, go to class, tutor, go to study groups, go back to my dorm, study some more, and go to bed, knowing I'll be doing it all over again the next day. Thank God for the days my routine gets mixed up a bit. I really didn't believe I'd be one to fall prey to "senioritis," but I am positively ITCHING to get away from school right now...

Went to a sound performance the other day given by a professor/performer from New York...he played, get this: a Laotian MOUTH ORGAN. It was possibly the coolest thing I've seen/heard all semester. It was pretty much the only part of his presentation that impressed me, but I was pretty stinkin impressed. Unfortunately I've found it nearly impossible to describe said instrument to friends and family...I've decided that only proves my theory that the coolest things in life defy explanation. (We'll go with that, rather than I'm just really lazy in the brain).


So Sunday night as part of my sound poetry class I performed a poem on "Eagle Radio," my campus' radio station. It was an incredibly surreal, fun experience. My prof had a lot of fun messing around with me; she tried getting me worked up about it, but I was too distracted by the extremely cool mic and headset and all the complicated button thingies...so yeah, I didn't get nervous which was nice, and I had a lot of fun performing one of my new favorite poems: Michael Palmer's "Red, Yellow, Blue". I think I unconsciously chose that poem because there's a line that talks about "the rain that never ends..." - I don't know what's going on, but at least here in Ypsi it WILL NOT STOP RAINING!!!! I'm seriously going stir crazy...the other night I got so fed up with being constantly stuck inside that I went for a walk despite the rain...and ended up freezing cold and completely happy.:D