What? FREEDOM?! What is this, what does it do, and what does it mean?!?!

So my school week is FINALLY over. Three presentations later and my brain is fried, I am running alarmingly low on sleep, a surprising amount of people are sick of hearing me talk, but most importantly: NO MORE PRESENTATIONS ALL SEMESTER!!!! Technically this isn't true, as my sound poetry class requires me to perform a piece in class by the end of the semester, but that to me is an entirely different thing.

Ran into Jas today...it was very much the happy accident. I really miss her...she is a kindred spirit in that she and I have an alarmingly similar sense of humor. Which means basically that we crack each other, and ourselves, up constantly when we're together. It's great fun. I miss her for other reasons though...who else braves haunted houses with me, constantly needles me about getting a tattoo, and steals my day planner to doodle and write little notes like: "brush hair. take deep breath. scream. run from campus security. remember that life as we know it will not collapse if you forget an assignment, show up late, or let someone down." Wow, does she know me well...

So I went to the student bookstore this afternoon to kill some time, (I'd intended to go for a walk, but got about fifty feet and decided it was WAAAY too stinking cold) and one of the employees, a guy, comes up to me and starts chatting me up. He asks, "What can I do for you? Looking for anything? Want a tour? I actually give PRIVATE tours free of charge..." I actually laughed, I'm ashamed to say, despite the awfulness of the line. We chat for a little bit, and I finally come out and ask him, "Are you really bored?" The "Mr. Charming" front suddenly slips off like a skin, and he starts describing the rather impressive extent of his boredom. Apparently they had practically no traffic in there today, a combination of the weather, the day of the week and the point of the semester. So I let him give me a mini tour of the bookstore that I've spent so much time in over the past year, I know probably as well as him. :D The things people will do on a boring Thursday afternoon...


So tomorrow is clean-my-room, do-my-laundry and run-errands day since I'm gonna be busy all day Saturday, which is the day I usually accomplish all of the above. Strangely enough, the boring, mundane nature of the tasks I'm going to be doing tomorrow has me oddly excited. I think that's a reflection on just how insanely busy I've been...when laundry day gets me all giddy, you know I'm in serious trouble...

What up w/ the strange, the alien throbbing in my head? Oh, wait, that's my brain...

So I've decided I deserve some MAJOR kudos for not having run away yet. It is seriously taking every bit of my self-control just to wake up every morning, go to class, tutor, go to study groups, go back to my dorm, study some more, and go to bed, knowing I'll be doing it all over again the next day. Thank God for the days my routine gets mixed up a bit. I really didn't believe I'd be one to fall prey to "senioritis," but I am positively ITCHING to get away from school right now...

Went to a sound performance the other day given by a professor/performer from New York...he played, get this: a Laotian MOUTH ORGAN. It was possibly the coolest thing I've seen/heard all semester. It was pretty much the only part of his presentation that impressed me, but I was pretty stinkin impressed. Unfortunately I've found it nearly impossible to describe said instrument to friends and family...I've decided that only proves my theory that the coolest things in life defy explanation. (We'll go with that, rather than I'm just really lazy in the brain).


So Sunday night as part of my sound poetry class I performed a poem on "Eagle Radio," my campus' radio station. It was an incredibly surreal, fun experience. My prof had a lot of fun messing around with me; she tried getting me worked up about it, but I was too distracted by the extremely cool mic and headset and all the complicated button thingies...so yeah, I didn't get nervous which was nice, and I had a lot of fun performing one of my new favorite poems: Michael Palmer's "Red, Yellow, Blue". I think I unconsciously chose that poem because there's a line that talks about "the rain that never ends..." - I don't know what's going on, but at least here in Ypsi it WILL NOT STOP RAINING!!!! I'm seriously going stir crazy...the other night I got so fed up with being constantly stuck inside that I went for a walk despite the rain...and ended up freezing cold and completely happy.:D

So I'm home!

:D

Two of Mom's sisters and my 11-year-old cousin Josh came up from Chicago to visit us this weekend...they left this morning to head back home. We had such a good time catching up, showing off Heather's new house, playing games, telling stories (some of them even true!!)...mostly just enjoying each other. I forget sometimes how cool (like my mom) my aunts are...I am so lucky with the extended family God has given me.

So last night I played a game of monopoly with my two little sisters and 11-year-old Josh...who is, I've decided, 11 going on 25. He acts so much older than he is that half the night I mistakenly called him "Dan," confusing him with his older brother. I never really get to hang with Josh when we get together for family reunions in Chicago, since the younger kids usually hang out in one area and the adults in another, so it was really fun to do some serious hanging out with him and get to know him. I love hanging out with kids I like...I've never understood people who say blanket statements like: "I like kids." I gotta tell you, there are a LOT of kids I DON'T like. I couldn't say that any more than I could say: "I like adults." But Josh, him I like.

So the only plans I made for my break was to get my hair cut yesterday...which now that that's done, I have absolutely NOWHERE I have to go, nothing I have to do for the next WEEK!! (Not including homework of course, which of COURSE I don't) So I am pretty much completely, incandescently happy. Lazing is the bomb. :D

the anathema that is the weather, and other things in my life meant to "grow my character..."

i. am. going. nuts.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's not even CLOSE to spring yet, but I am still a serious sufferer of spring fever. Spring semester is such a challenge...by February I am ready to mentally check out of classes, and by March I'm ready to kill the first person who has the nerve to tell me they are loving school.

So we watched the first half of the film Pride & Prejudice (Keira Knightley and Matthew Mcfayden) in my Jane Austen lit class this afternoon...that is one of the movies that every time I view it, I love it even more. Usually film adaptations of my favorite books bother me to no end, but in this case I feel like they did such a superb job of capturing the tone, flavor and voice of the novel. And wonder of wonders, I actually think Keira Knightley more appropriately captures the personality of Elizabeth Bennett than any of the previous actresses who've tried the same. To me this movie is Knightley's saving grace; the one film I've seen of hers that convinces me she has at least some acting chops.

Moving beyond movies...(which, after all, is rather hard to do when one is desperate for escape!!) I've decided my friend Samantha wins the game of "who had the weirdest Valentine's Day weekend," which, considering the stories I've heard, is a pretty major feat. She spent the weekend with her grandparents who not only fought the whole weekend, but preceded to drag her to a strip club thinly veiled as a bar, on Saturday night. Apparently they decided their 21-year-old granddaughter is too "straight-laced," and needed her horizons broadened. It sounds like, by FAR, one of the most painful experiences I've ever heard of. I felt so bad for Samantha this afternoon as she was relating this to me that I took her out for cheap coffee afterward. Never have I been more thankful for the relative saneness of my family... :)

So I went to the library last night, and realized after about ten minutes of browsing that I was being tailed. By a five/six-year-old boy. With a lot of hair. I eventually caught him staring at me from behind a bookshelf and gave him a little wave, which just about sent him into hyperventilation. He ran off in a panic, careening into shelves and chairs like a crazed ping-pong ball. I discreetly followed, and watched as he recovered himself in a quiet corner before setting off. He then targeted a new stranger (an older man this time) and began his little spy mission anew. This whole incident left me laughing to myself for the rest of my library visit. Sometimes I think I haven't yet lost this fear and awe of the world around me...or my instinct to play "spy" with it.

So Kody has become my one saving grace in my Post-Modern lit class. Every morning we meet up before class and convince each other not to bail. Tomorrow we get our first in-class essays back, and I don't remember being this unnerved about a test since my first semester of college. This prof is simply impossible to predict, and therefore incredibly frustrating to write an essay for. I can't wait until tomorrow is over...

So I've stuck with my whole goal of finding one thing to focus on that makes me happy...it's incredible how much easier it makes staying cheerful. Yesterday I was thankful for my car. One of my classmates told me about what it's like to take the bus ever day, and it made me want to run out to the parking lot and literally hug my wheels. Despite how claustrophobic I occasionally feel in Ypsi, I am not stuck like many are. I have freedom of a sort (even if I don't have money to really drive anywhere...) :)

Emerging Slowly From the Cave...or how it felt to leave my dorm this morning.

So at least four people asked me why I was so happy today. I've decided that my mood is ENTIRELY too dependent on the weather. I need to work on that. You'd think this would have occurred to me before, as Michigan weather is not known for being kind...but maybe I've just never been this sick of cold weather before. Either way, I've decided I'm going to find something to be happy about every day for the rest of this week. Since the nice weather isn't supposed to last, this might become challenging, especially since my class work load this week is a killer, but I am determined. If I really get in a slump, I can always just read the paper or watch the news...somehow I always come away from that both extremely horrified and incredibly relieved for my life.

:)

So my sound poetry prof overheard me complaining this afternoon that we had to be in class instead of outside enjoying the weather...so she made me write a love poem to the class; basically outlining why I love the class so much. It was slightly horrifying; the poem was very very horrible, which is I guess what makes it funny. Tim now wants me to write a satirical love poem, one he can give his gf on valentines day. I am now very incredulous and suspicious about the function (dysfunction) of that relationship...

Meetings, meetings meetings...I've made a discovery this week. I hold Elizabeth Bennett as my all-time favorite Austen heroine...and this week has made me realize another aspect of why that is. Elizabeth is quite aware of - and deft - at playing the social games; small talk, posturing, basically standing around and talking about absolutely nothing. She plays this game to a point, but simply can't help but point out the ridiculousness of it all. I admire that so much...I feel like I waste so much time sitting around talking about nothing, or listening to others talk about nothing. It's so frustrating...I get these incredibly strong urges to suddenly say something completely inappropriate. My family is forced to listen to these outbursts at home, when I'm in the mood, or just bored...but I don't often give into this anywhere else. I guess it's the fear that I'll sabotage myself; totally ruin my image and therefore my future success. Stupid. So I've now decided it's unreasonable for society to force me to squelch my inner genius and wit, simply for image and appropriateness.

:D


So as I was waiting for a nurse to become available to take my blood last Wednesday, I got into a rather fascinating conversation about peanut butter with a fellow donor sitting one chair away. Suffice it to say, I was a fan, and he was not. I don't remember how this conversation began, but it was extremely random and hilarious. I simply don't understand the mind that is not completely enthralled with pb, and this guy seemed equally confused about the mind that is. I hope I helped him come to some kind of understanding...but I doubt it. I think he's one of those unfortunate individuals who will never be able to rid themselves of their unnatural predisposition against pb. Well, I can only try to save them - the rest is out of my hands.

the guilt of the well-meaning but uncommitted...

People. It's hilarious that the one direction of my life from which flows some of my greatest joys is also the source of my greatest trials...

So last Thursday one of my classmates realized that since our poetry class got canceled, I was going to have to sit in the hall for over an hour to wait for my night class. So this friend decided to stay and keep me company. For an HOUR. It was possibly one of the sweetest things anyone has done for me. The completely awesome thing: he writes movie reviews for our school paper, so he and I literally spent the entire time talking about movies, our favorite actors and Hollywood's strange, rigid idea of beauty...and also how Alan Rickman is one of the great underrated actors of his time. It was simply a blast.

Yesterday, however, I was the recipient of a bunch of snide comments in my Avant-Garde literature class from a group of "bohemian" self-love type people who've decided the class belongs to them.

My conclusion: people are great, but sometimes they also suck. I guess that makes sense, since that is also a good description of myself...when I am able to think about myself objectively, anyway... ;)

Headed home this weekend, to celebrate Lucy's birthday, as well as simply my family in general. I tried to explain to Kody yesterday about how I feel about my family, and he finally made this really hilarious comment: "You know Linz, you tell me you've never been in love before...but do you realize that's what it sounds like when you talk about them?" It's so funny, because it's so true in a way...I love my mom, my sisters and my bro's family with so much of me. I really can't imagine feeling the same amount for anyone else...even if he was the most perfect guy out there. (Which, let's face it, the perfect guy would annoy the crap out of me anyway...)

Along that vein...I was considering yesterday as I was reading the strange combination of Austen's Northanger Abbey and Flaubert's Madame Bovary that as a young 20's woman, I'm something of a quandary. Everything about my life: my childhood, the example(s) I had growing up, the training I've received from my sisters and my mother - everything has prepared me for the eventuality of marriage and children. Yet every time I consider that life, I am filled with a strange dissatisfaction. I realized yesterday as I was picturing that life - my life like that - it's just not what I want, at least right now. I realize that may change, but the idea of being at home, running a home and raising my children alone while my husband works eight, nine hour days, five or six days a week is simply not how I want to spend the majority of my life. I feel like I have been made for something different. Not something better, or worse, just something different. Sometimes I think that is why God created me so autonomous; why I hardly ever feel lonely, even when it's just Him and I. I am contented alone, in a way that I think most people aren't. But as people keep telling me, this may change, and soon I will probably be filled with the same urge to find someone to share my life - and children - with that everyone else in their twenties seems to feel. Then again...maybe not.

the state of being bummed and psyched at the same time....

Christmas break was...well, practically perfect in every way. :D

I got to:

-Ice-skate
-go hiking in a foot of snow
-sledding!!
-shop numerous times w/ many different peeps
-eat tons and tons of amazingly awesome food prepared by Mom and my sisters
-go on a mini road trip
and best of all:
-spend Christmas and New Years with those I love more than anything else in the whole world.

It was difficult at times to realize in those occasional moments of startling perception that I was experiencing the holidays in the house of my growing up years for the last time. Out of all my family, I love change the most, and even I felt a sort of grief at the idea of losing such an important piece of my life. But we spent as much time as we could filling it with as many positive memories as we could cram into three weeks.

Sometimes I feel so unbelievably blessed, I am filled with a sort of fear that God is preparing me for unbelievable hardship. But in the moments that I am surrounded by the ones I love so much, and realize how much I am loved, I believe that as long as I can hold onto that, I can make it through anything.

And now, to escape the growing maudlin... ;)

Despite how hard it was to leave home today, I am filled with a growing excitement about this semester. It is shaping up to be completely crazy, but at this moment, I am filled with illogical optimism.

I'm okay with that.

:)