panic: why hasn't this kicked in sooner?

Discussed Faulkner for the entire class period in Modern Lit today. REALLY horrible story about a black woman, prejudice, corrupt officials and an indifferent community. Yuck. Intellectually I know it's a good story, but it's hard to appreciate reading something that makes your gag reflex go haywire.

So it's happened: I made my first tutoring paperwork error. What's REALLY weird is I am actually feeling pretty relieved. As in it's happened, and I didn't get fired and the world didn't end. Weird. Apparently the right people weren't notified, because I'm sure if they had been, the world definitely would've ended. I'm all-important like that. ;)

So I'm required (as ordered from "On High," who also goes by "Professor Duncan," of my Shakespeare class) to see my school's production of "Romeo & Juliet" this weekend...Matt Anderson (also known as "Romeo") is actually taking this class, so we have the benefit of knowing the student who's gonna be up there playing Romeo. Usually I would really be looking forward to this, but a) I really don't have time to go this weekend, and b) "J" (my best friend in this class) is ushering, instead of sitting with me. And I don't feel right about asking friends to go with me who aren't in this class and not required to go, because of how expensive the tickets are. (Why they make students pay, I have no idea). ANYWAY, all I know is this better be a REALLY good production... :)

So...I'M GIVING BLOOD TOMORROW!!!

crap.

What in the WORLD was going through my mind when I decided I could do this?! I already feel like running, and I'm not even scheduled to donate until tomorrow evening. Why oh why do I have to have this stupid thing about needles, AND an uncomfortable history with dizziness/fainting?? Okay, I just need to suck it up. I'm a big girl, I can do this. (However, as my prof - obsessed with Irish lore - would say: I think I just heard the banshee scream).

::gulp::

running in five directions at once, and other impossibilities I attempt daily...

Today was Homework Blitz Day. I don't think I did very well...but I've decided I deserve very little blame for that. One thing after another successfully sabotaged my efforts...a busted photocopier in the library, an MIA textbook and instructions I thought I wrote down, but as it turns out only filed away in my head (yeah, right, like THAT'S gonna be there two days later!!)...what a mess. It's a good thing that for profs, Mondays are "If You Make It To Class At All, I'm Happy" days...little less pressure homework-wise. :D

Went shopping for really boring stuff today...and ended up wandering aimlessly around Target and Meijer, just happy to be out among civilization. Had one State fan in my face (I was wearing an EMU shirt) but other than that, a very uneventful afternoon...

So walking into my dorm after shopping, I was hit on by a four-year-old...he was like "Hey, beautiful...what's up?" The most amusing thing about it was how completely embarrassed his mom was. Pretty much made my day though. :D

come on...freezing rain?! (If this is a joke, it's not very funny...)

So I am an iceberg. And yes, there is much more to me than what you see on the surface, but I actually mean I am literally an iceberg. I expect I shall be a big block of frozen ice until...next spring, possibly. I really don't recommend walking halfway across campus at 8:30pm in freezing rain; it tends to result in loss of feeling in critical appendages, drenched jeans (and really, what's more uncomfortable than wet jeans?) and hair that can't decide which famous rock star to emulate.

I was SO proud of myself this morning: I actually remembered to dig out my gloves from my winter stuff and wear them to class. Then I ended up sharing them with friends in every single class today. Apparently campus classroom buildings don't rediscover the concept of heat until November. It's gonna be a long, cold month...

Heehee. So I think maybe "J" and I shouldn't sit by each other in Shakespeare anymore. We are definitely a bad influence on each others' academic studies. I think I only caught about half the prof's lecture today, what with all our passing notes (yes! I actually passed notes! How pathetic is that?!), whispered conversations and muted laughter. Granted, when I was tuning in, he was usually either going on and on about his first divorce, or his latest work in progress (he writes plays), but I still don't think it's good that I'm potentially only going to learn half of what I'm supposed to learn in this class. Even if what I'm "supposed" to learn is a little bit of Shakespeare, and the complete life history of my prof and his family tree...

So the latest in the saga between me and my arch enemy has taken a surprising turn...he was nice to me today. NICE! He actually stopped me after class to ask me how my project is coming. Now I don't know what he's trying to pull, but I see right through this pathetic attempt to call a truce. I've decided unequivocally not to trust him. Which kind of leaves me in a very weird place if he continues to try to be nice. I am not very good at being mean, so if he keeps it up, I just KNOW I'll cave! I've got to be strong! Can't let him lull me into a false sense of security! (And I sound so nuts right now, I'm scaring myself...) :S

So my hero today: whiteout. Thought I'd killed myself with all the mistakes I'd made on my tutoring paperwork, then suddenly the solution ocurred to me: 'whiteout, stupid!' I've decided life should come with whiteout. Wouldn't that be totally awesome?

an ode to sleep, my absent friend

The door knobs on all the doors in my dorm are very heavy. When I first started living here, I noticed they were heavier than most door knobs, but I didn't really think much about it at the time. Last week I noticed they seemed heavier; it took me an extra second to get it turned all the way. Today when I went to turn the knob on my door, I could hardly turn it, it was so heavy. I've decided this weird phenomenon has less to do with the door knobs actually getting heavier, and more to do with my growing exhaustion (or perhaps paranoia/insanity? I'll have to give it some more thought...). Either way, I've decided some extra sleep couldn't hurt. It's even on my to-do list.

:)

So tutoring session #1 with...let's call him "Super Jock," commenced today. It was quite the interesting experience. It's almost like a math problem in of itself: what do you have when you get a former jock, add super over-achievement tendencies, and graduation on the horizon with just one class standing in his way? What you have equals one intense tutoring session fraught with sports small talk, an attitude toward math that reminds me of Alexander the Great's attitude toward conquering...well, the world, enough charisma to float a battleship (or is it "sink a battleship? Whichever...) and a tutee that will be giving me two solid hours every week for the rest of the semester. :D

I feel like my interests have crystallized in the past three weeks. I have gotten to the point where free time is so rare and precious, when I have it I am forced to condense everything I actually WANT to do to the very bare minimum. Suddenly I discover what's really important to me. Apparently this is what's really important to me:

-cleaning
-walking
-watching NCIS & House
-talking on the phone with my sisters
-hanging w/ friends
-creating numerous to-do lists
-writing on this blog

This is pretty much all I have done in my free time this past week, in fact. I realize as I look that list over, I am not happy with it. There are things on this list I wish I did not feel compelled (driven?) to do incessantly (can we say cleaning?! ;) and things I'd like to be able to put on this list (consistent Bible reading, memorizing scripture). ::sigh:: Guess I'll have to put it on my to-do list. ;)

writing as catharsis, or how I stay sane...

So I stopped by the Holman Center tonight to pick up my check, and the guy running the front desk immediately started teasing me. (I have no idea why...I think he was bored). I am going to admit that I stooped to using a method of guilt I find extremely pathetic: I looked up at him and gave him my "Sad Eyes." If you've seen them, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, let's just say that I should have to declare them as lethal weapons, they are so potent. ;) Anyway, he stopped, looked at me, then said, "Rough day, hun?" Usually I really despise being called anything other than my name by guys, but I only nodded pathetically. He handed me my check, patted my hand comfortingly and sent me off with "Don't worry, tomorrow will be a better day. I promise." I have no idea why I'd find such trite words from a clueless stranger so comforting, but there you go. :)

I hate Wuthering Heights. I was hoping that by some miracle, this time I read it I would discover a deep-seated like for the book, since it's such a classic and whatever, but much to my dismay, I think I hate it MORE than I did in high school. I can't fathom disliking characters as much as I do the ones in that book. And it's not even fun to dislike them, like the great villains you love to hate. No, these characters are just so...hatefully pathetic. And of course, I have a paper, project and group discussion on the novel I have to work up some kind of motivation to complete in the next month... ::sigh:: Sometimes school is annoying.

On a positive note: I just found out I got a whopping refund this semester! (I have yet to figure out why, but I'm not letting that stop me from wild, hysterical excitement!) So I've decided since I've received this huge refund, I shall make a trip out to Wal-Mart this weekend and treat myself to a new pair of scissors. (My current pair is so dull, yesterday it stopped cutting paper).

the answer to "is it really THAT bad?" and other insincere questions...

Today was one of those days. As I tripped down the stairs this morning, (after over-sleeping, jabbing myself in the eyeball with mascara, forgetting to eat breakfast and misplacing my English homework), I considered the likely possibility that my day would play out like one of those movie montage scenes. The kind with music in the background, where you see short clips of one horrible disaster after another befalling the poor hero/heroine. So yep, that was my day. In the middle of my fourth coughing fit during my morning class, I simply gave up and began laughing like a loon. This had poor Nicole and Kody, my peeps (and saviors; but that's another story...) afraid first for my health, then their own, once they decided it was quite possible I had gone mad. Now that I am once again calmed, self-possessed and reoriented, I think it is quite possible I have.

Officially began my tutoring today...my first tutee made me feel all big sisterly. She's a freshman, greener than the grass in May, and all excitable about life, liberty and the pursuit of an over-priced education. First thing on our session agenda: learn how to read a syllabus. :)

The above situation reminded me of just how much I miss my lil sisters. Darn. I told one of my friends the other day how much I miss them, and she told me I was sort of pathetic. I think maybe I am. Good thing I make pathetic look awesome... :S

So I'm kind of dreading my class tomorrow; the one with my arch-enemy. I have absolutely zero energy to take him on right now. But he's just so...annoying. When someone is THAT convinced he's totally awesome, and decides it's his prerogative to tear everyone around him down in order to convince them of how much more awesome than them he is, it's virtually irresistable to put them in their place. Right? That is my latest argument/defense for the ongoing armed hostilities between him and I. (Well, armed on my part, anyway...)

:D

boys, homework, slipping on the soap and other lead causes of drama...

Went to Wal-Mart today...very strange experience. A girl about 15 years old grabbed me (like, literally physically grabbed me by the arm) and dragged me over to a rack of shirts. She then precedes to demand my opinion of them. I tell her quite politely that "I don't work here, and fashion advice isn't really my forte -" she interrupts me with: "I don't care if you don't work here, or if you're fashion retarded; just tell me what you think about the !@%* shirt!!" I walked away. In hindsight it was probably not the most mature reaction, but I can think of a lot more immature reactions I could have chosen, so honestly I am rather proud of my self restraint. *sigh. Oh well, fodder for writing... :)

Called "C" back today...she continues to crack me up with her boy drama. She is a good reminder to me of how easy it is to fall into the habit of high school drama, and forget to leave it in high school...but it is rather fun to live vicariously through her. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to incur any kind of drama with guys right now; in fact I go out of my way to avoid it, but I do appreciate learning from her drama. It's like the pain-free way of gathering life experience. :) Anyway, spent another hour talking with her about her boy, and don't really know how else to help her. She knows it's not going to work; she and him are so obviously not right for each other. But (as I know rather painfully from experience) it's so hard to accept that when you get along with a guy so well; when you can have pressure free fun with him, he makes you laugh, you understand each other...it's hard not to want what feels so...well, good.

I am in such an introspective mood tonight...not sure why. Maybe it has to do with this feeling of balancing on the very top of a downhill rush I know is about to sweep me away; the next two weeks aren't going to leave me much time to breathe, much less think. Which can be nice at times...but I do so love to think.